Major contrast

Date: February 17 2010

Wow, I cannot believe it is already 2010, I still feel like it should be 2002 maybe. I am almost done with my 3rd year of college. These last few years have flown by. I still have not dated. I am a date-virgin - ok that sounds stupid, just had to see how it would look. I am continuing to have faith that God will provide me with everything I need. He knows the desires of my heart. I want to let God choose who I date and I marry. I still feel even pressure from my family that I should be dating. I feel like I am doing the right thing but part of me feels like I may have missed out. I believe that God knows me and my desires. He will provide. But let me tell you it is not easy. Just because I have never dated doesn't mean I haven't dreamed or thought about being in a relationship. I definitely have a hard time when the sun begins to shine, people begin getting out and having fun. I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married but I will still struggle to wait in faith that God knows me best and will provide. 

I have been thinking about writing a blog this summer. I would love to do it but I don't know if I will have time. I would love to dive into some political aspects of America and reflect on the Bible...about our reliance on God rather than the government on our responsibility to care for the homeless and the poor- not the government. 

Date: December 19, 2013

I debated with myself on whether to share my heart in 2010 on my desire to reflect on political matters and the bible. I have definelty refined my thinking in a lot of areas concerning how Christians should respond to political matters. These ideas are interesting to read because it reminds me of where my passions lie at the time and where my real heart was at the time. I struggled desiring God and passionately seeking righteousness through my government. It will never happen. That summer 2010 God began to break my heart, instill compassion and it dramatically changed how I respond to political matters today. This is not a guide book for others, but for me God had to change my way of thinking and heart in this area for me to be purposeful for His kingdom the way He designed for me to be. Being zealful for American politics unfortunately is not exactly where God has called me to have a voice. - at least right now ;)

The Word:

I was reading through Mathew during this time and Mathew 6 was what I had been reading after I wrote the above. 

Mathew 6:24 no one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other..."

Mathew 6:33 but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you..."Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Little did I know that God would identify areas of my life where I was trying to serve two masters and looking back I see how it robbed me of joy and mercy and spurred confusion and discontentment

Reliance

Date: Wednesday February 3 2010

Prayer to God,

... Be with me everyday in everything I do. Help me become slow to speak and calm me when I get frustrated. Be with me as I struggle to understand and give me the tools to be a light to your world as I love. Be with me on my journey to finish college. Help me to communicate clearly and retain information.
Date: February 16, 2010
Today was a crazy sort of day. I had an interview for the commuter assistant position, I think it went well. I will know by next Friday. Today I noticed green liquid coming out of my car, and then my car started over-heating. Mom thinks it could be the radiator. I started freaking out internally at the post office. I have calmed down now, but I am giving all my worries and concerns to God. I was worried my car would cost $500+ to fix which would deplete my savings. I was worried I wouldn't have a car next year. I am worried about my college savings. But I am going to trust that God is with me and will help me get through this. Many times I go through something very worrisome and everything turns out all right and I forget that God is the mastermind and is in control.
Prayer -
"your will be done in those looking for a purpose and ready to follow you"
"hearts will be softened and those who have fallen away will become righteous for you and preachers of your word"
"bless those who serve and work with a righteous heart and allow those who seek evil fail now"
"I pray for the youth...let your grace and power shine through"

Present: December 19, 2013
I remember junior year being the most difficult time for me at that time in my life. I had experienced a lot of transition, and was working on how to manage everything but still be effective to others around me as well. Some words I used to describe that time was "discouraging" "overwhelming" and "low energy".

Identity Crisis

Date: Sunday January 31 2010

God, I know you have created me and love who I am no matter what I do. I know I am intelligent and have been blessed by not having ailments, disease or deficient mental capacity to perform adequately in academics. Although I know this I am continually in self-doubt about who I am and what I can do. I feel Satan is fully aware and has begun his campaign against me to destroy and degrade my confidence. I am turning to you for strength and confidence because I am not afraid of what Satan tries to accomplish because I know all the while you laugh in his face and stand beside me ready to pick me up when I fall over his feet.
I must admit I myself make mistakes and act lazy and must stop, look toward my ability, not be afraid.
I ask that I not be tempted by the evil one, to deviate from the knowledge I possess about what you can do in my life and continue to ask you for assistance and seek you in this world.

Present: December 19, 2013

I am not entirely sure what I was struggling with at the time. I do remember being overwhelmed with school and returning home for my second semester at Simpson where I had no connections, except for family I lived with. I felt alone and inadequate compared to others at school. I had decided to study history my sophomore year in college and didn't realize what I had put myself through until I began junior year in Simpson. Additionally, moving to a state and school where I knew no one except for family members was a difficult transition for me. 

suffering

Date: Sunday afternoon, late summer 2011

Suffering in my present
suffer in your present state. If I believe that God is calling me to be uncomfortable in other cultures then I must be content and joyful in Christ, suffering through my present circumstances in one of the wealthiest countries in the world. Preparing myself for Gods work I should be aware of how God is using my present circumstances to prepare me for what I believe I should be doing. I may think I am ready but God truly knows my limits and wisely allows me to grow. I sometimes pursue the idea of an adventure before clearly seeking if I am prepared to go. God wants to use his people but God knows we need to grow. We should be open to growth - praying, asking God how we can be used - open to listening to God to challenge my heart, mind, reading His word and serving in any capacity so I can begin to understand my strengths, weaknesses, my heart. Pray, listen, study and serve.

Present: December 19th 2013.

I look back and see how far God has brought me and how He has led me. At times I thought God ignored my prayers and other times blessed me abundantly - more than I could have imagined. What I am coming to realize is that God doesn't hear some things and choose to answer others. If I give my life to God, he knows what to do and whatever comes is good. If that be trials, pain or abundance, it all comes from God. I wrote this, with a huge heart to leave the US soon and serve God in Afghanistan or Lebanon. I surely thought I would have been there by now or be there. Yet here I am still in the US, working. 

But God has strengthened my relationship and has  grown my understanding of his Love and His character. Just when I thought I had what it took to be used by God in that context He said otherwise and it was for my benefit. If God calls me to another cultural context to share the gospel and demonstrate His true love then I will listen and obey, but right now I believe God is calling me to remain and wants to use me here.